So yesterday was my first full day living back home after I had the best year of my life at school. I was skeptical about coming home because I had transitioned so successfully into my college life and have burned quite a few bridges back home. I'm going to miss school, my friends and the independence but I'm trying to make this summer as best as it can be. I am currently looking for a job so I can afford to do anything in the near future. Being home is what it is but that's nothing all to important.
I've only recently started writing and normally it was never my thing but I find it a good way to get everything off my chest and sometimes rereading things later changes your perspective on life. I've recently been struggling with a relationship in my life. Sure, we all think oh just another broken hearted girl trying to escape and I'd like to say that's not how it is, but it is. I'm not broken hearted yet, but I'm sure the time will come when I am, probably soon too. This guy, he's perfect, well not perfect actually no where near perfect, but he seems perfect to me. Maybe it's because we are so different in how we think that it pushes me outside my box and I like that. There's just one problem... he's in the military and I'm in school. We've never dated, but we had instant chemistry the day we meet. I know it sounds crazy to try and start something long distance, but his base is located super close to my school and he'll be there for almost another year before being deployed to god knows where. I wish I could say I could let him go, trust me I've tried countless times but i always find my self being drawn straight back too him. It's tough cause he says I'm the type of girl he could see himself with but he won't commit to me because he doesn't think it's fair to tie me down and make me wait. He's constantly pushing me to meet someone else and get a boyfriend that can treat me the way I should be treated but that's easier said then done. Doesn't he know I'd move on if I could, I don't like that I like him I just can't help it. I feel like I'm stuck in this fantasy and to make it even worse he doesn't believe in the prospect of love or marriage never wants to have kids...you know one of those guys and yet here I am thinking I could be the girl that changes his mind. I know he's been burned in the past and I know he has this wall up that the military has instilled in him, but I'm stuck. If I could find a way out then I would run that direction so fast cause I know this pain is only going to get worse with time. I wish I could say I won't talk to him, but how can you not reply to someone who has meant the world to you for the past 7 months? I'm hoping I can find away out of this someday soon... maybe i need to find another guy to fill my time up with for awhile... I guess I'll figure is out soon enough.
"Our lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that we keep tearing into each other, and when we do, we tear holes. Sometimes what we do is more like fighting than love. We slam each other around. I think we’re trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts. You shouldn’t envy us, sexy as we might appear to be. It’s not sustainable. No one could endure it. This intensity can’t continue forever." –ditto
All my love,
Shenanigans
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