Take one step at a time

It's been two weeks since I have last talked to David. It's been suprisingly easy. I think deleting him on facebook really helps because then I don't feel like he is talking to other people. Maybe it's easier because he hasn't even made the effort to even text me or call me. I think I just needed to realize that if he really cared he would make the effort. You can't always just have a one sided relationship. I still think about him but its not soo bad because it's becoming healthy thoughts and less sadness. This is soo good for me! and I'm starting to be happy just being me again! I cant wait for school to start and to open myself up to some new things.

On another note I found a dog today. Hes a yellow lab named Cody he's really cute. Kinda annoying but I'm glad I picked him up so i could find his home. I know I'd appreciate it if someone picked up my dogs if they ran away. Well that's all that really going on today. I have to work and exactly only 3 weeks till I move back to Augie =]

All my love,
Shenanigans

Lonely...

I saw a quote that said... fall in love when your heart is ready not when you're lonely. I think that is the honest to god truth is that I am desperately lonely. I cling to David for some source of comfort and hope that i can be the one to change his mind... the truth is though that he's still in love with Christine and that he always will be. She has some trance on him and she has a piece of his heart and he never got closer from her and i don't think he has room for me right now. I'm a crutch for him, a convience thing, just an option and i deserve so much more then that... it's time to let go... i need to let myself let go. I'm not going to text him or call him. If it goes more then a week without talking then i need to completely let go. Delete his number, block him from facebook, and move on till i can at least have some time to get over him... i need time to heal. Plan in action.

All my love,
Shenanigans



We run back to each other when it’s convenient. We know that in the end, we’re meant for each other but not for right now. So we play these games, act like we’re okay when one of us has someone else. When in reality it tears us apart to know that we can be happy with someone else. But it’s that slight hope that we will end up together that always keeps us running back for more.

Let go or hold on?

I'm finding that it's getting harder and harder to control how I feel about david. It shouldn't bother me that the girl he used to be in love with posts on his wall, and i shouldn't be upset that he replied to her. I don't know I guess I just get weird because I never really know where we stand and I have no idea who else he talks to, what he's doing, how he feels, and though it bothers me he seems to not care even in the slightest that I could be doing whatever as well. I guess i just feel stuck, like i'm never going to meet anyone else. I wish he would just talk to me and we could work things out. Well i guess we'll see how things go in August if I end up seeing him or not... well just needed to get that off my chest.

All my Love,
Shenanigans

True Life: My life is rough!

True Life: My boss is a complete asshole! I'm sorry you are a 28 year old man that is going now where with his life. I'm sorry that customer service normally entails serving the customer first not bussing tables. I have never been yelled at by a full grown man in my life, nor do actual men yell at women but you kno whatever. Gah I can't wait to get out of that hell hole and never look back! Thank you summer job for motivating me to do better in college so I can pursue an actual career and not ork minimum wage my whole life. I absolutely can not wait till I can quit!!

True Life: My face is gonna hurt. I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out in about 3 weeks so that's gonna suck major nuts but it has to be done. At least I can get it done before school starts so hopefully not to many people think I look  like a chipmunk.

True Life: I miss my friends. I miss everyone at Augie so much. Just because  they are the people that I know will be through it all with me. These are the girls that are going to be in my wedding as I will be in theirs. It's amazing how much can change in a year and though I do love the few friends that I have here it's just not the same. 39 more days!

True Life: I need to get over David. I can't keep obsessing over something that is only half way there because it's too hard! I wish I could read his mind because then I would know where we stood but for now I'm stuck in this place and it's hard! grr!!

True Life: I need to get a life

All my love,
Shenanigans

Life comes at you fast....

So recently I've been thinking about possibly joining the military. Not enlisted, but commision based most likely. Idealy I would like to serve my internship in the military and then have only 2 years of active duty and no loans to pay off. I've been getting mixed results on what people think I should do. Some are very supportive and others think absolutely not, but I think it's mostly just because they don't understand. Med-school is starting to become a real oppurtunity for me and I'm trying to capatalize on all the things life is offering me. I want to follow my dreams, it's time to finally start buckling down and getting my act together. I don't want to work in a nursing home forever. I think navy med corps is on my list of life plans.

Another exciting event of today was taking my mom to the emergency room because she had an allergic reaction to something. Nothing like an impromptu visit to the ER to make life a little exciting.

Other then that no David news just stagnent as usual... though i think i'm gonna invite him to come visit me the first weekend of school so we'll see.

All my love,
Shenanigans

Eight...

Eight never seems like a very significant number but as of today eight is the number of months I have known. been seeing David for. Kinda crazy to think about. 8 months is the same amount of time that me and Keith had been dating before we finally broke it off. This doesn't feel anything  like that did. Me and David have never fought, though sometimes i want to kill him, we have spent more time apart then we have together so theres always that. I've met all of his family and friends and not a single one makes me want to scream. He's intelligent and respects me for my mind rather then my looks. He's not perfect but he makes me feel perfect. Someday we'll be together or I'll find someone who makes me feel the way he makes me feel but for now it'll do.

All my love,
Shenanigans

If...

If I could do anything without thinking.. I'd call you. I'd call you right this second and say I am hopelessly and madly in love with you. You may think you are nothing special but you are special to me. I can't be with anyone else because everyone else is not you.. They don't smell like you, they don't hug like you, they don't kiss, like you they don't make me smile like you do. I don't need to hear from you everyday but when I do it's the best part. I want to be with you and if you'd only say you'd want to be with me too I'd wait for you. I want you to fight for me... please please just fight for us because I LOVE you DAVID, from the second i met you.
If I could I would call you and tell you this... maybe someday I'll have the courage to tell you this but for now it's in a stupid blog that you'll never see.

All my Love,
Shenanigans

Why can't you see, you belong with me

So you know this whole, I'm not gonna talk to David for the summer deal... yup you guessed it failed. David came to visit this weekend. I was so happy he got leave and we were only apart for 4 hours of the whole weekend. It was perfect, his family though they are different then most they are tons of fun. They are completely open about all aspects of their lives including sex and love. I guess that is something i hadn't experianced before since my parents keep all relationship details hush hush. I'm not ashamed of Me and David sleeping together but i don't want my whole family to know about it. Though it is pretty amazing. However great it was to see David its almost just as bad because now I feel all the same feelings. The happiness that comes with seeing him is always followed by the heartache when he leaves. This time has been especially bad because of something he said while we were drinking. He said I love you... it's the first time either of us has said that. I brought it up to him the next day and asked if he meant it and all he said was i don't know. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON"T KNOW??? you are the one who said it! Ugh it just gets harder and harder. The closer I get to him and his family the harder it is to move on. How am I ever going to find someone who makes me feel the way he does. It's not just a fantasy anymore. It's real... I really do think we could make it work and be together. Even he thinks so but I don't think either of us want to do it to the other. I think he knows that I would wait for him if only he asked me to. Hell I'm waiting now and we aren't even together. I hate the military... I really do it makes everything so hard. It makes me ask myself the what if questions. What if he had done better in school and was only in college? What if we had never met? What if we're supposed to be together in the future but not right now? What if what if what if.... it kills me. Should I tell him what i really feel or should i continue to keep it inside. Do i tell him in a letter, do i call him on the phone, do i wait till i see him in the person? Someday I'll figure it all out but for now i guess it's just got to be hard. I wish there was a magical treatment for heartache but alas there is not.

On other news I finally have a job. I've been working at a nursing home as a server. It's very eye opening as to that i can see how my future career is going to impact my life. It's all about patience patience patience. Well that's all I really have for today...just needed to get it out of my head. Hope this get's easier.

All my love,
Shenanigans

"To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, it doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It’s not giving up or giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss, and it isn’t defeat. To let go of something is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting, it’s learning, it’s experiencing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that once made you cry, laugh, love and grow. It’s about all that you had and all you still have. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. It’s growing up, realising that a heart can sometimes change and it can also be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, clear a path and set yourself free."
"Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we’re doing? Do you think there’s any way humans can love each other without complication?"
- Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert