So you know this whole, I'm not gonna talk to David for the summer deal... yup you guessed it failed. David came to visit this weekend. I was so happy he got leave and we were only apart for 4 hours of the whole weekend. It was perfect, his family though they are different then most they are tons of fun. They are completely open about all aspects of their lives including sex and love. I guess that is something i hadn't experianced before since my parents keep all relationship details hush hush. I'm not ashamed of Me and David sleeping together but i don't want my whole family to know about it. Though it is pretty amazing. However great it was to see David its almost just as bad because now I feel all the same feelings. The happiness that comes with seeing him is always followed by the heartache when he leaves. This time has been especially bad because of something he said while we were drinking. He said I love you... it's the first time either of us has said that. I brought it up to him the next day and asked if he meant it and all he said was i don't know. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON"T KNOW??? you are the one who said it! Ugh it just gets harder and harder. The closer I get to him and his family the harder it is to move on. How am I ever going to find someone who makes me feel the way he does. It's not just a fantasy anymore. It's real... I really do think we could make it work and be together. Even he thinks so but I don't think either of us want to do it to the other. I think he knows that I would wait for him if only he asked me to. Hell I'm waiting now and we aren't even together. I hate the military... I really do it makes everything so hard. It makes me ask myself the what if questions. What if he had done better in school and was only in college? What if we had never met? What if we're supposed to be together in the future but not right now? What if what if what if.... it kills me. Should I tell him what i really feel or should i continue to keep it inside. Do i tell him in a letter, do i call him on the phone, do i wait till i see him in the person? Someday I'll figure it all out but for now i guess it's just got to be hard. I wish there was a magical treatment for heartache but alas there is not.
On other news I finally have a job. I've been working at a nursing home as a server. It's very eye opening as to that i can see how my future career is going to impact my life. It's all about patience patience patience. Well that's all I really have for today...just needed to get it out of my head. Hope this get's easier.
All my love,
Shenanigans
"To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, it doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It’s not giving up or giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss, and it isn’t defeat. To let go of something is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting, it’s learning, it’s experiencing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that once made you cry, laugh, love and grow. It’s about all that you had and all you still have. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. It’s growing up, realising that a heart can sometimes change and it can also be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, clear a path and set yourself free."
"Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we’re doing? Do you think there’s any way humans can love each other without complication?"
- Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
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