Why can't you see, you belong with me

So you know this whole, I'm not gonna talk to David for the summer deal... yup you guessed it failed. David came to visit this weekend. I was so happy he got leave and we were only apart for 4 hours of the whole weekend. It was perfect, his family though they are different then most they are tons of fun. They are completely open about all aspects of their lives including sex and love. I guess that is something i hadn't experianced before since my parents keep all relationship details hush hush. I'm not ashamed of Me and David sleeping together but i don't want my whole family to know about it. Though it is pretty amazing. However great it was to see David its almost just as bad because now I feel all the same feelings. The happiness that comes with seeing him is always followed by the heartache when he leaves. This time has been especially bad because of something he said while we were drinking. He said I love you... it's the first time either of us has said that. I brought it up to him the next day and asked if he meant it and all he said was i don't know. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON"T KNOW??? you are the one who said it! Ugh it just gets harder and harder. The closer I get to him and his family the harder it is to move on. How am I ever going to find someone who makes me feel the way he does. It's not just a fantasy anymore. It's real... I really do think we could make it work and be together. Even he thinks so but I don't think either of us want to do it to the other. I think he knows that I would wait for him if only he asked me to. Hell I'm waiting now and we aren't even together. I hate the military... I really do it makes everything so hard. It makes me ask myself the what if questions. What if he had done better in school and was only in college? What if we had never met? What if we're supposed to be together in the future but not right now? What if what if what if.... it kills me. Should I tell him what i really feel or should i continue to keep it inside. Do i tell him in a letter, do i call him on the phone, do i wait till i see him in the person? Someday I'll figure it all out but for now i guess it's just got to be hard. I wish there was a magical treatment for heartache but alas there is not.

On other news I finally have a job. I've been working at a nursing home as a server. It's very eye opening as to that i can see how my future career is going to impact my life. It's all about patience patience patience. Well that's all I really have for today...just needed to get it out of my head. Hope this get's easier.

All my love,
Shenanigans

"To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, it doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It’s not giving up or giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss, and it isn’t defeat. To let go of something is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting, it’s learning, it’s experiencing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that once made you cry, laugh, love and grow. It’s about all that you had and all you still have. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. It’s growing up, realising that a heart can sometimes change and it can also be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, clear a path and set yourself free."
"Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we’re doing? Do you think there’s any way humans can love each other without complication?"
- Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert

I think I have the black lung pop...

Just kidding I don't have the black lung pop however I did come down with a severe case of pink eye. Yay I just love having my eye goopy and bloodshot... oh and swollen. Ugh I feel like I am sick all the time. Lucky my eyes are healing up rather quickly so they should be at 100% by tomorrow I'm hoping. With that however I could not go to my job interviews because I looked like a cyclopse so alas I am still jobless. Not ideal but it is what it is.

We are supposed to go up to the mountains tomorrow with some family friends but is it bad that I don't want to go? I don't know it's just not going to be fun since there is not going to be anyone close to my age going so I guess we'll see how that one turns out.

On a high or low note... I havent talked to David in 6 days. It's getting easier, it doesn't hurt so much I just miss having someone to talk to. I find I still check his facebook more frequently then I should, but I haven't been tempted to call or text him so that's good. I guess it was just time for this to happen and I know that deep down this will be better for me. I know I'm going to miss him because he is or was one of my best friends, but i think not talking for a while will be good and then a few months down the road we can get back in touch after I've fully moved on and what not. I think thats going to be the best option in the long run. Who knows maybe six years from now things will be different, but for now this is how it has to be and I'm amazingly okay with that.

"I believe in being strong when everthing seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."-Audrey HepBurn

All my love,
Shenanigans

Let it Rain

Woke up this morning to the booms of a thunderstorm. It was suprising to me that there was a thunderstom here since back in Illinois they are so extreme. It was hard to get motivated today, with nothing to do I'm finding I'm wasting my life away on the computer. I'm going to start working again hopefully sometime next week would be awesome...I need to find something to get myself out of my own head.

My accomplishments for the day were that I ran a mile before having to stop to catch my breath and though it doesn't seem like a whole lot it is definitley an improvement. Hopefully by this time next week I can get up to a mile and a half before forcing myself to stop. I really enjoy running with my dog Brandy. She provides a slight form of entertainment in the rather mundane routine of running. She's pretty out of shape as well but we are working on that. Also, it's been since Saturday since I've talked to David. It's not as hard as I thought it would be but purhaps thats because he hasn't tried to talk to me yet either. My friend Katie and I (She's going through a similar situation) decided that for every text we send we are going to run a mile, for every IM  on facebook we owe a crunch, and for every minute on the phone we owe a push up. So either I;m going to be in killer shape or I'm gonna get over David. Maybe a little bit of both? It's all about the baby steps. Well that's about all there is to it....

"Fairy tales are more then true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."- G.K. Chesterton

All my love,
Shenanigans

Did that really just happen?

So first late night adventure of the summer was to say the least...interesting. My friend Kara and I started of the night by heading up lookout mountain and ended up stealing a cone it was fantastically hilarious since I took it through the window like a crazy person. Though, hanging out with Kara was plenty fine it is just in our nature to find boys to hang out with. Well we ended up hanging out with her black friend Daijon and his cousin Bueno. So that just sets up the whole situation. They decided that we needed to see this haunted road and that we were going to be super scared but alas not scared at all kinda a bummer. From there we drove up to boulder and the entire was up there we were being awkwardly hit on so that was great. We went up some creepy mountain and continued to get hit on even after falsely telling them that I had a boyfriend. The we almost died cause there was some strange creature walking around the woods. After all this awkward adventuring we finally made it safely back to our own beds... still can't believe that happened.

Another thing is I've been running everyday since I've been home which is good cause I want to get back into shape. I don't mind running in Colorado as much as running in Illinois cause the view is just so beautiful. I missed the mountains a lot. I'm hoping this summer I can run farther then I have been. I like it cause it gives me a chance to clear my head of everything. My new plan is to not outwardly try to talk to David. I need to start the healing process and I think it's going to be easier then my last break up because it's circumstantial and not going to be nasty. I feel that if I am going to get over him then I am truly going to have to force myself to let go. Stop texting him everyday, stop checking his facebook, stop trying to force something that inevitably is going to end. I'm going to use this summer to do that... I hope it works.

"It doesn't make sense to let go of something you had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's nothing actually there."

All my love,
Shenanigans

Summer of 2011

So yesterday was my first full day living back home after I had the best year of my life at school. I was skeptical about coming home because I had transitioned so successfully into my college life and have burned quite a few bridges back home. I'm going to miss school, my friends and the independence but I'm trying to make this summer as best as it can be. I am currently looking for a job so I can afford to do anything in the near future. Being home is what it is but that's nothing all to important.

I've only recently started writing and normally it was never my thing but I find it a good way to get everything off my chest and sometimes rereading things later changes your perspective on life. I've recently been struggling with a relationship in my life. Sure, we all think oh just another broken hearted girl trying to escape and I'd like to say that's not how it is, but it is. I'm not broken hearted yet, but I'm sure the time will come when I am, probably soon too. This guy, he's perfect, well not perfect actually no where near perfect, but he seems perfect to me. Maybe it's because we are so different in how we think that it pushes me outside my box and I like that. There's just one problem... he's in the military and I'm in school. We've never dated, but we had instant chemistry the day we meet. I know it sounds crazy to try and start something long distance, but his base is located super close to my school and he'll be there for almost another year before being deployed to god knows where. I wish I could say I could let him go, trust me I've tried countless times but i always find my self being drawn straight back too him. It's tough cause he says I'm the type of girl he could see himself with but he won't commit to me because he doesn't think it's fair to tie me down and make me wait. He's constantly pushing me to meet someone else and get a boyfriend that can treat me the way I should be treated but that's easier said then done. Doesn't he know I'd move on if I could, I don't like that I like him I just can't help it. I feel like I'm stuck in this fantasy and to make it even worse he doesn't believe in the prospect of love or marriage never wants to have kids...you know one of those guys and yet here I am thinking I could be the girl that changes his mind. I know he's been burned in the past and I know he has this wall up that the military has instilled in him, but I'm stuck. If I could find a way out then I would run that direction so fast cause I know this pain is only going to get worse with time. I wish I could say I won't talk to him, but how can you not reply to someone who has meant the world to you for the past 7 months? I'm hoping I can find away out of this someday soon... maybe i need to find another guy to fill my time up with for awhile... I guess I'll figure is out soon enough.

"Our lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that we keep tearing into each other, and when we do, we tear holes. Sometimes what we do is more like fighting than love. We slam each other around. I think we’re trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts. You shouldn’t envy us, sexy as we might appear to be. It’s not sustainable. No one could endure it. This intensity can’t continue forever." –ditto

All my love,
Shenanigans